


Shrek/David Bowie - Hogwarts au

by aliens_exist



Category: David Bowie (Musician), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Shrek (2001)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-04-04 21:43:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4154046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliens_exist/pseuds/aliens_exist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>David is infatuated with his onionology teacher, Mr Shrek. Hogwarts is difficult as it is - all the stress of classes and that dick Mick Jagger - but does Mr Shrek reciprocate these feelings and can he give David the support he needs?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Incident

It was just another term at Hogwarts School of Wizardry, and David Bowie was excited to be back, not just for learning, but to see his senpai, Mr. Shrek. Throughout the holiday, all David could think about was his teachers beautiful, tube like ears. He’d even signed up for extra onionology lessons, just so senpai had a better chance of noticing him. God, David would get shreked by him any day. During this particular lesson, Mr. Shrek was sweating through whatever he had covering his torso, and the stench of onions was overwhelming, but Bowie didn’t mind. He loved it. He loved Mr. Shrek.  
After an hour of learning all about the different layers of onions, and how ogres are remarkably similar, David realised that he was really falling for his teacher. His heart told him anything could happen, although his head told him that this just sounded like the beginning of a really bad porno. End of class came around far too soon for his liking, and all his fellow peers began filing out.  
“Bowie, could you stay behind for a minute, please?” Mr. Shrek bellowed in his raspy Scottish accent.  
“Of course senp- I mean sir,” David replied, heart racing.  
“Your work is really good- you could even say I was ogrewhelmed with how much you picked up- but it seems as though there’s something distracting you, something I can help you with perhaps?”  
David laughed dryly at the pun, and was tempted to tell his teacher that it was the idea his strong, green arms wrapped around him that was the distraction, but kept it to himself, instead.   
“There’s nothing distracting me, sir, honestly. Maybe it’s just the fact that I really want to do well in this onionolgy class. I really don’t want to fail the course.”  
“Well, if you keep this outstanding work, you’ll be sure to pass this class with flying colours, but if you’re that worried about it, you can always have private tuition with me out of school hours.”  
Yep, this sounded like it was headed down the path of a pornographic video.  
“Thanks sir, you’re the best.”  
“Hey now,” Mr. Shrek began, resting a large hand on David’s shoulder, “You’re an allstar.”  
The physical connection sent shivers down David’s spine, set firework off in his head, sent lust through his bloodstream. Then he smiled and hurriedly left the room, his textbooks covering the bulge in his trousers - it was similar to the one clearly shown in the 1986 musical 'Labyrinth'.  
While making his way back to his dorm, David bumped into a familiar face, but not one he was pleased to see. It was Mick Jagger, the boy who always teased him about being good at everything.  
“Oh, look who it is,” Mick snarled, but David had no time for his bullshit and flew away on his broom.  
When he got to his dorm, David met his best friend, Elton John.  
“Professor Donkey gave me an F. Me, ELTON BLOODY JOHN, an F. It’s an outrage.”  
Bowie sighed and lay on his bed, daydreaming of Mr. Shrek, ignoring his strange friend rant about his grade. He began to doze off, his teacher slinking in and out of his dreams.   
At around 2:54 in the morning, David awoke to a bulky silhouette standing at the end of his bed. At first he began to panic, and then he saw how the moonlight dimly lit the intruders green skin, and he knew it had to be his senpai. Was he dreaming? No, he couldn’t be; the smell was far too real.   
“Hello, David, sleeping well?” asked Mr. Shrek with a thick accent.  
“Y-Yes sir…” he stuttered in response. They both knew why the teacher was there – he felt the chemistry when they touched just as much as David did.  
“Good…”  
“Sir, if anyone catches you here, you could b-” the student was interrupted as a green finger was pressed to his lips. Before David could even process what was about to happen, Mr. Shrek straddled him and replaced his finger with his mouth.  
Elton John lay in bed, eyes wide, desperately trying to block out the noises his teacher and friend were making, though he wasn't entirely put off by the incident.


	2. The Morning After

David's eyes squinted open, blinking violently at the bright light seeping from the gap in the curtains. He released a contempt sigh as he recalled what happened last night, as he recalled all the moves his teacher had shown him - God, where did he learn all of that? The love struck student rolled over to find that Mr Shrek was no longer there. Though he knew that he probably had lessons to plan for and whatnot, he couldn't help but feel vaguely hurt. Could his senpai not even have left a note? Was that too much for him to ask?

"I'll be having words with him," David muttered as he got out of bed to slip on his robes.

"If you're talking about Mr Shrek, you already had words with him - Mostly 'Mr Shrek I love your ogre cock' - and you subjected **_me_  **of  _ **all**_ **_people_** to it. Outrageous, honestly," chimed Elton, acting as though he hadn't enjoyed every second of it.

David shook his head at his friend, and hurried down for breakfast, bumping into Mr Donkey on the moving staircase. 

"Bowie, have you seen your onionology teacher? I borrowed some mud and I need to give it back to the big green twat," the potions teacher asked.

"A-are you allowed to speak about your colleagues like that?"

"Only Mr Shrek. We have a connection - not a bestiality one, though, like most people assume. Just a normal donkey-ogre relationship. No Homo involved."

"Ok."

 


End file.
